You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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