I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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