i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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