After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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