I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
