Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
