After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is my gift to your gina
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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