here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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