I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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