Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
