dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
