mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
