I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
