I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
