just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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