I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
