Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
