I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
