I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
