i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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