Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
