So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
