i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
