do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
