idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
