I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
