Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
