I will die if light touches me.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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