I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize