I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
