um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
