I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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