afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
