On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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