Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
