Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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