I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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