i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
