The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
