he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
