i'm signing you up for texting rehab
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
