a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize