y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize