You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
