Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
