Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
