Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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