i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
