you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I AM VODKA MAN
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
