I got chris browned last night
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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