Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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