Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
ttyl tear gas
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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