Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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