i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
