if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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