She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
