i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize